And so it begins

I think that the whole reason I started this is to write some smart ass remarks when this time came. Believe it or not, I don't have any. I will write about how I feel and my fears and everything in between. I'm first and foremost hurting with sadness. I cant believe that theres thousands of woman that have to feel this indescribable feeling. I know I am not alone yet I am so lonely. I am scared. I hear ALL the time that its fine, he'll be fine, I'll be fine. "Don't Worry"....right. Can you promise me that? Can anyone give me a love of my life guarantee that the man I married will come back to me in a year? Physically and mentally come back to me. I have completely irrational fears and some totally warranted. The sad part is I don't think the real feeling of him being gone has hit me yet. I guess all I can say is I miss him terribly. I think nights will be the worst. And yes so far its only been ONE night and now I dread them coming. I have tried to fall asleep by making lists of stuff to send him, laying on his side, reading, watching tv, replacing his love with funyuns/kitkats/yorks/cookies....I mean I have tried everything! I have kids to care for and distract and love the heck out of. I have neighbors that are here for me 100%. My red head snooki has been going through a pretty hell-acious week but still took time to be here for me and my family. I couldn't really ask for more. 
I did know what I was getting into. When we decided to go down this path as a family. It was a definite to be deployed eventually. I think I just thought I had more strength than this. Maybe it comes in time? I'm worse than a crazy hormonal preggo lady. I could cry at the drop of a pin! I don't feel like the tears are allowed. I'm surrounded by tanks, C-130's, toughness ya know. Then theres this blob of mushy mess of myself! I see all these woman walking in the commissary with all 28567 of their kids walking tall and strong. Are their husbands gone? How are they so happy? Why cant I have drugs for this shit? This whole situation has not hit my kids at all yet. I am not going to push it. They are my main concern, my main fear. I don't want their father to miss any second of them growing up. I want to freeze time for him. I'm hoping I will puuulllll myself up outta this funk get on a healthy track. I'm entitled to a little time. I didn't think it would be this hard, I didn't think it would hurt this much, I didn't want to let him go but when I did I had arms to turn to. I had kitkats to eat. I have people watching me, helping me and loving me. I miss him with every ounce of my being but I can do this and we will get through this. Now my funyuns and I are going to attempt some rest....

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.~John 15:13